I had just finished explaining to a rather lovely cricket loving South African lady why I wanted Pakistan to win – combination of Aussie enmity and my liking of Pakistan’s approach to batting and bowling – when Shahid Afridi indulged in a bit of ball tampering. The commentators got very excited by video of Afridi trying to eat the ball, which was then changed by the umpires.

Several overs later a member of the crowd rugby tackled one of the Pakistani fielders.

It’s all happening, and the ICC immediately banned him, Afridi that is, not the Aussie fan whose face is all over the Cricinfo.

Watch it for yourself:

The book was therefore left next door , a household of Jehovah’s Witnesses with South African in-laws. The book would never have survived had the inhabitants of said house been aware of its title or subject matter. The book was ‘When Freddie Became Jesus’.

The Village Cricketer's bookshelf

Ignore the title; this is not a book about Andrew Flintoff, or Jesus. Although the great Lancastrian features strongly and the author (Jarrod Kimber, aka Jrod) gets biblical with his language, this book is about the Ashes first and Jrod second. The biggest sporting event of the year and how Jrod fit into it : working as a cricket writer for the first time, being an Aussie in London and preparing to get married.

The Ashes = Two equally shit sides fight out an ancient rivalry that no one understands, but everyone cares about… An Ashes battle doesn’t have to be two champions to make it good to watch. These teams were evenly matched. So even though it was slapping and hair pulling, it was a tight contest of slapping and hair pulling.

The Ashes and Uncle Jrod (to give him his full pseudonym) are two entities that I have grown enormously fond of. It’s love, but good old-fashioned pat-on-the-back man love, nothing that would threaten Mrs Rod.

From reading his book, it is apparent that Jrod hates quite a few things: including Andrew Hilditch, Jerusalem, Stuart Broad, Shane Watson, and his year 11 English teacher. It is also obvious that he loves cricket, and it is this passion for the game, appreciation of a good contest and a hugely entertaining and irreverent writing style that really makes this book stand out.

If you’ve ever read Cricket With Balls (and if you haven’t you should), you’ll be familiar with the tone. The book format is similar – albeit easier to read when on the bog – but frustrating in that you cannot leaves comments mid-dump for the author’s consideration.

Don’t get me wrong, the book has faults. It’s got a few typos (including getting the URL for The Village Cricketer wrong (its ‘thevillagecricketer.com’, not ‘village cricketer.com’), he used my gag about him nearly killing Richie Benaud with swine-flu, and I was unable to find a copy of the book in either my local library or Waterstones (so you’ll have to buy it online).

But that is nit-picking.

‘When Freddie Became Jesus’ is an entertaining yet perverted romp through this year’s Ashes action. It’s amusing, well structured and really takes you back to watching the action unfold. It is also written for the common man. You aren’t being talked down to by a stuffed-shirted egg-and-bacon type, or ranted at by your typical one-eyed-Aussie commentator (Richie excepted), you get the passionate but fair thoughts, observations and commentary of the guy next to you in the pub (provided you’re sitting in a pub in South London, and there is a scruffy looking Aussie with you, and he’s called Jarrod, and he is working on Cricket With Balls).

It’s funny. He describes Steve Harmison as “a gerbil crossed with an electric tie organiser”, exclusively reveals that Shane Watson is the fiendish creation of a mad Nazi scientist and North Korea, and exposes ‘The Thorpe Dossier’, the thoughts of England’s great nuggetty left-hander on the Australian side and how to beat it.

Did I mention it’s perverted too? Jrod fantasizes about a lubed –up, caged and naked Ian Bell, and contemplates a raunchy threesome involving Graham Onions, Lily Allen and Graham Onions’ girlfriend.

I once said that there was only one Australian whose opinion on cricket I respected –Richie Benaud. There are now two. Oh, and Jrod, I’ll proof read your next book if you like. ‘When Freddie Became Jesus’ now sits proudly on my bookshelf, between ‘The Art of Captaincy’ and ‘A Lot of Hard Yakka’. Right now, a couple of beers in and a Christmas movie on the box, it’s better than both.

One Aussie at least, albeit the closet anglophile Uncle Jrod , has perspective.

Trott batted magnifcently. At no stage did he look in any trouble. His shots were crisp, hit temperement tempered and he provided the solidity that England’s middle order have sadly lacked all summer. England have probably done enough to guarantee a win in this test, however, one shouldn’t tempt fate by citing inevitabilities.

England’s bowlers failed to make inroads into the Aussie batsmen this evening, but a good day tomorrow could see England claim the Urn 2-1. I’ve got a nagging feeling that it won’t be that easy.

I really don’t want to tempt fate here, so I’m not saying anything more!

On a classic Oval belter England would have wanted 500 at least. This, however, is not a classic Oval belter. It looks two paced and it has turned already.

Crucially England has batted first. England would want at least another 50 tomorrow morning, however, they are in the game, have the better bowlers for the conditions and everything to play for. Game on!

Oh, and this is the first time I’ve seen Jonathan Trott bat. He looks good and reminded me of Steve Waugh. That can’t be a bad thing.

England’s top order has looked inadequate all series, and this test has ruthlessly exposed its weaknesses. We are too relient on Strauss and Pietersen. Take one out through injury and the other has a poor test, then we are in trouble. Cook showed promise during this match, which is far better than the previous tests, but he didn’t make it count. Bopara has been made to look very poor by the Aussie bowlers. Ian Bell, well, he has been Ian Bell-like. The Aussies seems to have Paul Collingwood’s measure. Strauss aside, Prior is looking like England’s best batsman, and he hasn’t delivered big yet.

England are too reliant on four players – Strauss, Pietersen, Flintoff and Anderson. Take two out due to injury, and the other two have poor matches, and – to be honest – England look like a club side.

England will lose this match in a hurry tomorrow morning, leaving enough time for England to have a serious think ahead of the fifth, final and deciding test at The Oval. England are short on form and class in the batting department, and while I wouldn’t usually demand changes, the nature of this performance needs fresh faces to reinvigorate a damaged side. These are desperate times, I wonder what Rob Key and Mark Ramprakash are doing?

Giles Clarke asked people to stop booing Ricky Ponting. Why? It doesn’t bother Ponting, and according to BBC radio it doesn’t bother Shane Watson either, and he is scared of the dark. Ponting, I would argue, does have “the respect and courtesy” of England fans (it’s the ex-Aussie players that don’t respect him). England fans know he is the Aussie’s best batsmen, which is why they boo him. So, Ricky, take it as a compliment, and he probably does, that is if he noticed it at all.

If Giles Clarke really wants to know about bad behaviour then he should perhaps visit the cheap seats at the Aussie grounds, and then he’d realise that Barmy Army antics and some good natured booing is nothing at all. But then he wouldn’t be anywhere near the cheap seats, he’d be in the royal box, out of sight, out of touch and ready to tell everyone to behave like he was taught to at prep school.