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Did anyone else notice that England were playing test cricket? It kind of by-passed me somewhat. Haven’t we just played Bangladesh? Didn’t we wallop them this time last year?

With all due respect to Jonathan Trott, The cricket can tumble on. I just flicked on Sky Sports to be confronted by its regular piece on various club teams from around the UK. I caught Workington and St Helens before turning off because, almost instinctively, I don’t like them.

It’s not that they are necessarily bad or unpleasant teams. They may be a cracking bunch of lads. It’s just that I’ve grown to instinctively dislike the opposition. I’ll pick out the fancy dans, the sloggers and the ‘all the gear’ types. Somehow I know that there will be some dreadful chat, shouts of ‘great shot Rich’ to nicks between keeper and slips and that the late-teen to mid-20s players will all be horrendously spoiled little buggers that are rude to their mothers despite getting their whites cleaned for them by those too scared to stop pandering to their little darlings.

I also know that them being on Sky Sports regularly will cause egos to inflate to the point that even the small and friendly sides will catch ‘big club syndrome’, and that the big clubs will be even more unbearable than they were before.

I also – instinctively – know that a half decent side that I am part of would wipe the floor with all of them put together and see them off with a caustic, inspired and intelligent chirp.

I may also be slightly bitter that my team hasn’t been picked. Bastards.

Sorry, but I’m feeling old today ;-)

Uncle Jrod at Cricket With Balls is after pictures for a new magazine he is launching entitled Cricket Sadists Monthly. Here is his plea.

Thanks to a hungover hour of creativity, here is The Village Cricketer’s offering:

Following the exciting draw in the third test match at Cape Town, The Village Cricketer met up with Graeme Smith* to get his thoughts on the game.

TVC: Graeme, hi, what a terrific end to a test match, I’d imagine though that you are pretty deflated.

GS: Thanks and haa. Ya we did cut it close for a while there. I thought for one moment we might win it, but all in all, we are pretty satisfied with the draw.

TVC: Really?

GS: Ya, for sure. The draw is the purest form of the game. We’d rather draw than win. It puts spectators on the seats for longer. We have recognised in recent years that it is better to have an exciting draw, you have to make it interesting because spectators have alternatives such as 20/20, but I think the side is adjusting well to this new era. You know, although we are one down in the series with one to play, there have been two hugely exciting draws, and we have an opportunity to either draw the final match or to end the series with a 1-1 draw. It’s very much alive.

TVC: It’s been all over the media that you have been unhappy with some of England’s antics this series.

GS: Obviously I don’t want to say too much about that. It’s not something we’d make a formal complaint about or even be seen to be bringing it to the attention of the officials, so we just had a quiet word with the match referee and tried to leak it to the media. All I can say is that, when you have a side like ours playing flat out and striving fairly for the draw, it is not really on for England to win the second test match. Spectators lost nearly a whole day’s cricket because of it. In the past England stuck to the spirit of the draw and tried as hard for it as we do.

TVC: To change the subject completely. How is the pool of young players coming into the South African side?

GS: It’s good. We identify at a pretty early age now players that have a natural aptitude for the draw and give them specialist coaching and support. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I mean in Jaques Kallis we have the most natural draw merchant in the game, and you don’t get those by chance. We also have players like AB, who is still young and slightly impetuous, but he is learning fast. You know though, it can also go wrong, Herschelle Gibbs came into the side and burned brightly. Too brightly really, we could never get him to bat long periods of time at less than two runs an over. We had to drop him.

TVC: England are playing several players that were born in South Africa. Would you rather they were available to play for South Africa?

GS: There are times when players, like KP, come along that are much more positive in nature. We managed to do a good job at weeding him out of the system and he moved to England. He has shown signs of maturing though, and now he gets out so that England aren’t able to chase down large totals for unlikely wins, and it means Collingwood is at the wicket sooner. It’s good for the game. I think we’d consider Jonathan Trott a loss to South African cricket. He is a fine example of a draw natural, batting steadily and taking time out of the game. Losing him was a real blow.

TVC: You seem to have some problems with your left arm spinner, he really didn’t bowl well today.

GS: Paul is in the top 10 of the world test rankings, so has proven he can bowl and play at the highest level. He has taken wickets and can spin the ball, in fact he has looked a real match winner on occasion. Luckily for us we were able to send him to Warwickshire and after a season with Ashley Giles he is now back to bowling for draws, keeping it tight and rarely threatening to take wickets.

TVC: Finally, can I ask about the quota system? Following the loss of some key players recent I’d image you are finding it pretty hard to get the balance right.

GS: You are absolutely correct. It’s tough to find a balance these days. I mean, we’ve not really fielded a ginger on a regular basis since Pollock was playing. AB and Paul Harris are close, albeit they are more dirty blonde than ginger. I think we made some terrific strides with the twelfth man in this game. He was a proper ginger, the type The Wisden Cricketer like to employ. I’m confident that given time we can uncover one and start meeting our ginger quota again. If not, we’ll recruit Paul Collingwood. He likes Cape Town and the night life here, and he loves a draw almost as much as we do.

* The role of Graeme Smith is played by an actor.

Hat tip to Iain O’Brien’s Twitter feed for this cracking piece of video.

It arrived at Christmas time. The book, long foretold by the prophet Jrod. There was snow all around. Messengers from the far exotic South arrived bearing the book, and yet I was not in to receive it.

The book was therefore left next door , a household of Jehovah’s Witnesses with South African in-laws. The book would never have survived had the inhabitants of said house been aware of its title or subject matter. The book was ‘When Freddie Became Jesus’.

The Village Cricketer's bookshelf

Ignore the title; this is not a book about Andrew Flintoff, or Jesus. Although the great Lancastrian features strongly and the author (Jarrod Kimber, aka Jrod) gets biblical with his language, this book is about the Ashes first and Jrod second. The biggest sporting event of the year and how Jrod fit into it : working as a cricket writer for the first time, being an Aussie in London and preparing to get married.

The Ashes = Two equally shit sides fight out an ancient rivalry that no one understands, but everyone cares about… An Ashes battle doesn’t have to be two champions to make it good to watch. These teams were evenly matched. So even though it was slapping and hair pulling, it was a tight contest of slapping and hair pulling.

The Ashes and Uncle Jrod (to give him his full pseudonym) are two entities that I have grown enormously fond of. It’s love, but good old-fashioned pat-on-the-back man love, nothing that would threaten Mrs Rod.

From reading his book, it is apparent that Jrod hates quite a few things: including Andrew Hilditch, Jerusalem, Stuart Broad, Shane Watson, and his year 11 English teacher. It is also obvious that he loves cricket, and it is this passion for the game, appreciation of a good contest and a hugely entertaining and irreverent writing style that really makes this book stand out.

If you’ve ever read Cricket With Balls (and if you haven’t you should), you’ll be familiar with the tone. The book format is similar – albeit easier to read when on the bog – but frustrating in that you cannot leaves comments mid-dump for the author’s consideration.

Don’t get me wrong, the book has faults. It’s got a few typos (including getting the URL for The Village Cricketer wrong (its ‘thevillagecricketer.com’, not ‘village cricketer.com’), he used my gag about him nearly killing Richie Benaud with swine-flu, and I was unable to find a copy of the book in either my local library or Waterstones (so you’ll have to buy it online).

But that is nit-picking.

‘When Freddie Became Jesus’ is an entertaining yet perverted romp through this year’s Ashes action. It’s amusing, well structured and really takes you back to watching the action unfold. It is also written for the common man. You aren’t being talked down to by a stuffed-shirted egg-and-bacon type, or ranted at by your typical one-eyed-Aussie commentator (Richie excepted), you get the passionate but fair thoughts, observations and commentary of the guy next to you in the pub (provided you’re sitting in a pub in South London, and there is a scruffy looking Aussie with you, and he’s called Jarrod, and he is working on Cricket With Balls).

It’s funny. He describes Steve Harmison as “a gerbil crossed with an electric tie organiser”, exclusively reveals that Shane Watson is the fiendish creation of a mad Nazi scientist and North Korea, and exposes ‘The Thorpe Dossier’, the thoughts of England’s great nuggetty left-hander on the Australian side and how to beat it.

Did I mention it’s perverted too? Jrod fantasizes about a lubed –up, caged and naked Ian Bell, and contemplates a raunchy threesome involving Graham Onions, Lily Allen and Graham Onions’ girlfriend.

I once said that there was only one Australian whose opinion on cricket I respected –Richie Benaud. There are now two. Oh, and Jrod, I’ll proof read your next book if you like. ‘When Freddie Became Jesus’ now sits proudly on my bookshelf, between ‘The Art of Captaincy’ and ‘A Lot of Hard Yakka’. Right now, a couple of beers in and a Christmas movie on the box, it’s better than both.

It might be a little early, but I wanted to get in first. Thanks to the genius of Elf-Yourself and JibJab, and with a little help from Richie Benaud, Sachin Tendulkar, Ricky Ponting, Kevin Pietersen and Geoff Boycott, The Village Cricketer is delighted to wish you all a very happy Christmas. Where else would you see Richie dancing hip hop?

Click on this link, genius: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/ypgN0c9J0gzDdgDQeJbj

Happy Christmas from The Village Cricketer

Happy Christmas from The Village Cricketer

I don’t watch Strictly Come Dancing. Well, not all the way through anyway. My bird Sky+’s it, and occasionally makes me watch Ricky from Holloaks, while I oggle some scantily clad nubile dancers shaking what their mommas gave em! Boo ya!

It is a show, however, that cricketers have done verl well at. Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash both won it, I believe. This year Phil Tufnell didn’t. He is, however, a legend. I prefer him on Question of Sport anyway.

Listening to Radio 2 the other day, I was treated to hearing the bizarrely named song Meeting Mr Miandad, by The Duckworth Lewis Method, a cricket-inspired Irish pop group formed by Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy and Thomas Walsh of Pugwash. If I get hold of a copy of their album I’ll review it on the site. A cricket-inspired Irish pop group, whatever next?

Whilst ponies are strong despite their diminutive size, it’s just possible that Dizzy’s height and weight could be against him in this one. Tuffers is smaller and lighter than Gillespie which could really help his cause here, but what about that age difference between them both? Do you think he’s got enough stamina and ‘True Brit’ tenacity to beat the lanky Aussie and make it to the finish line first, or will it all end in a heart–stopping photo finish?

I’m supposed to be going to a barbeque in a couple of hours time, but ESPN Classic is dedicating a whole series of shows to Freddie Flintoff’s finest moments in international cricket. Channel 442 on Sky, I might stay in.

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